Standing (Still)

Meyer is nearly four, which is impossible because he was just a little kids not very long ago. He is so much fun - totally into Star Wars and action figures and cars and drawing and games. He talks all the time and has picked up a few choice phrases from his friends at preschool. He likes to say "Mr. Nobody-Head" and "Mr. Eyeball" and loves "poop." But he is also very funny and witty - my favorite is that when Drew and I are talking about things he doesn't quite undestand he asks, "Are you guys talking about Star Wars?" We just bought him size 11 shoes, one more size and he will be in big boy sizes. He also looks more and more like Drew. He is super loving, loves to wrestle, loves to have "bed parties" and is very good with his sister. He wakes up every day excited to see her!

Evelyn is almost 17 months. Her hair is getting longer and her day care provider, Denise, puts it in pigtails often (I try, but am not so good at it). She has a few words, "Up" "hi" "baba" "ada" (Dad) but she understands like everything we say to her. Every night we change her diaper and then I ask her to take it to the trash and she does it! She was very chill as a baby but, since she learned to walk, she is developing this amazing, assertive personality. She definitely wants what she wants when she wants it. She loves Uncle Dan, beans, granola bars and helping. I think she is totally adorable.

Otherwise, we are trying to figure out how to buy a house and get a loan and generally live the dream. Here we go...

Who are these small people that inhabit my life?
So perfect in their tininess
So complete in their perfection
It is impossible to believe that they came from me
That they exist because I exist
That they are part of some chain I have forged
links in and with and for

Do I ever miss holding my husband's hand?
My hand is always on a stroller
Or holding a juice box
It does everything but reach out to him as it always used to
But now there are four hands
Soft, sweet children's hand
That reach out to me for me to take, and squeeze
and kiss, as only a Mommy can

How do I work and take care of my kids?
I don't know
To leave them is to abandon perfection
To miss out on the most important
To force oneself to forget the ultimate sweetness
To leave your still beating heart
outside your body
until it is time to pick them up

Can I imagine not having children?
No, to not have them would be a lack too enormous

I now know what it is to do something great
with your life
And I have done something so great twice
We are the truly lucky ones

Birthday! September 23, 2008

On Monday, September 22nd, I woke up just feeling "off." More than the regular 39 weeks pregnant exhausted/sore/in pain feeling - more like I was ill with a sort of constant headache and being nauseous. So I decided to take my blood pressure just to see and the first reading was 140/100! Too high! I kept an eye on it all morning and each time I took a reading it was about 140/95 so I called my doctor's office and made an appointment for 1:00 p.m. to have them check it.

At the doctor's office they took my blood pressure three more times - once when I got there, once after laying down for 10 minutes and one at the very end - all three of them were high. My doctor also checked my cervix (I had progressed since last week to a "loose one")and measured me and I could just tell she was concerned. Should we induce again? Should we keep waiting? I knew she didn't want me to go through a failed induction again but it was obvious that between the baby's size along with this high blood pressure she was getting concerned. I had vowed to just "let it happen" but I had been so miserable all weekend I was really ready to try again - plus I was also concerned with the high blood pressure! We decided to go ahead and induce as soon as possible so I could have the cervadil in for a full 12 hours and then see what happen. But, she said, this baby needs to get out so one way or another you will be having a baby in the next day or two. To me, this meant that I was going to be allowed to labor on my own for awhile but if I didn't make progress it was c-section time which really concerned me. She called Rose to get it all set up and I started furiously texting Drew to get Meyer ready to go and get us ready to go because induction #2 was under way!

I left the doctor's office and went home. Tom and Maureen were on their way back from Canon City so we would have to bring Meyer to the hospital for a little while until they could come pick him up. Actually totally okay with me as I knew these would be my last moment's with him as my one and only! We got all packed up (Drew was so on top of it!) and left for Rose. We got there about 3:15 p.m., went through admissions (Meyer was given a cookie by an older volunteer lady who fell in love with him) and then we went up to our room! L&D Room 2. When we got to the room I looked at the bed. I remember from my failed induction that I had looked at that bed and thought "this is the bed where I will give birth to my daughter" which, of course, had turned out not to be the case and that just made me nervous - like what if this one fails too? So I just tried to be calm and not get my hopes up too much or have any more thoughts like that.

I got undressed and my nurse hooked me up to the monitors, started my IV (yet another double poke! I have never had an IV put in on just one try!) and generally prepped me. By now it was 4:00 and Meyer had left with Maureen. So hard to say goodbye to him - this is the first big thing that Drew and I have done since he was born that he really couldn't be a part of or stay with us and there was a fleeting thought that he should stay! Glad I didn't listen to myself on that one! About 5:15 the nurse came in with a resident and put in my cervadil. Hurt like nothing before - I really thought she was being mean! It also gave me one heck of a contraction so maybe that is what kick-started everything? Anyway, after that it was just Drew and I and time to hunker down for the night.

Drew went and got Chipotle for dinner and we watched Gossip Girl and the Daily Show and Colbert and were ready for bed around 10:00. Drew was going to go home to sleep as the bed they had in the room didn't look very comfortable but I was starting to have a few contractions and we didn't want someting to happen while he wasn't there so he stayed - which was great as his presence always makes me feel more at ease. We went to sleep okay but were awakended around 2:00 a.m. by primal, visceral screams! We found out later that our neighbor in the next room was giving birth au natural and apparently it was very painful (ya think?). Anyway, eventually she was done and we were able to get a little more sleep. Around 5:00 a.m. the night nurse, Katie who was very nice, came in and took out my cervadil. I was having contractions but they were not regular or even that strong so I started thinking "uh oh, here we go again, no progress." Well, she checked me and I was at 3cm - so, yay! She also allowed me to get up and get off the monitors for about 30 minutes so I could take a shower and walk around a bit before the pitocin started. This was such a relief and I felt so much better and ready to labor after I got back into bed.

Right before she started the pitocin at 6:00 a.m. it seemed like the baby's heart rate decelerated really badly, so I had to wait for a few minutes to see what was going on. Turns out that he heart rate had just been up from my walking around and everything was okay to proceed. She turned on the pit at 6:15 and the contractions started...

I had an incredibly easy time of it from then on. The nurse "accidentally" broke my water while checking me later in the morning and I had my epidural by I think 9 or 10 a.m. The epidural was amazing and after I got it we just hung out and let the baby come down. Around noon my mother arrived and she was in the room with us for awhile. Around 1:00 Drew got really hungry and asked his Mom to bring him a sandwich from Heidi's. Nancy got to the hospital around 1:30 and came into the room while we were all playing cards. Right about then I started to feel "pressure" and asked the nurse to check me. My Mom and Nancy left the room, Drew started on his sandwich and Carolyn checked me. I was complete! All the sudden, I started to see Carolyn panic just a little bit as my doctor was still at St. Joseph's finishing up a delivery! She started wheeling things in, Drew was still trying to finish his sandwich but before long my doctor rushed into the room, my feet were up in stirrups and it was time to push! I pushed six times through three contractions and Evelyn was born at 1:58 p.m.! I started crying saying, "what am I going to do with a newborn?" The doctor just kept saying "she's so big!" Drew was just so happy and ecstatic. After Drew cut the cord they laid Evelyn on my chest. She was so calm - kept making these tiny little baby coos and grunts. We just hung out like that for a long time while they sewed me up and then they weighed her - 9 lbs, 12 ozs! Big baby! Eventually Nancy and my Mom came back into the room and we all held her and then I started to nurse her and she latched right on, no problems. About an hour after the birth Meyer and Tom and Maureen came and Meyer met Evelyn for the first time on my lap. He seemed more interested in the hospital apple juice and pushing wheelchairs than in Evelyn but he was happy. Then they wheeled me to my recovery room. We spent one night in the hospital (Sara visited that night and my Dad visited the next day). We left the hospital at about 3:00 the next day, picked up Meyer at Trisha's and took both kids home. It was great!!!

Induction Day (That Wasn't)

Well, guess we have a new insight into this litle one's personality. Today was my scheduled induction - that wasn't. After 13 hours in the hospital, 6 hours of max dose pitocin and lots of intense but completely ineffective contractions we came home to wait some more. Hard stuff.

We went into the hospital last night, the 16th, as my doctor thought we would be okay to induce even though I was only 38w 5d (the same exact time I delivered Meyer, by the way). Honestly, I felt a little weird about it. #1 - a big baby is not a true medical reason to induce early (unlike high BP or failure to grow. #2 - besides being dialted to 1 cm the Wednesday previously, I haven't progressed at all. Yeah, I've had some contractions but nothing BIG so I wasn't sure that conditions were favorable anyway. But, despite thse misgivings, I thought - yeah - what the heck! If she's offering I'll take it. I'm so tired of feeling like a beached whale and my SPD is getting so bad it is just terribly painful to get out of bed at night and to walk much.

Anyway, hind sight is, of course, 20/20. So, we get the call about 10:00 last night to come on in. We arrive, get checked in, get hooked up to the monitors and I get my cervadil. I'm also checked for the first time - still 1 cm, high and thick. I think this is when I have my first real "uh oh" feeling. I thought I should have progessed some from last Wednesday! Thankfully I also get an Ambien so I manage to sleep from about 1:00 to 6:00 a.m. At 6:00 a.m. my doctor arrives and she checks me again - still 1 cm, high and now "soft" but, come one, you'd hope 5 hours of a medicien designed to thin the cervix out would have done a bit more!

They start the pitocin at 6:00 - 2 units, 4 units, 6 units. The contractions start but they don't form a pattern. Plus, they are really having trouble monitoring the contractions so it's hard for them to tell how regular they are being. At one point the nurse says the highest she likes to go on pitocin is 20 units - by 11:15 I'm at 24 units by doctor's orders. The contractions, when they come, are incredibly intense but still not developing into a pattern. Also, they seem to be "pit contractions" rather than contractions my body would be delivering by itself if the pit was turned off. My doctor comes over on her lunch hour and checks me around noon - still 1 cm, high and soft. No change. She gives us three options: 1) keep going as we are going on max pitocin (no thanks!), 2) stop the pitocin and give me lunch (I haven't eaten since the night before) and then put in a different cervical suppository after which they would star the pitocin again (oy! sounds like a long process!), or 3) turn everything off and go home and wait for her to come by herself.

I almost immediately know what to do. #3. Obviously we are fighting mother nature here and there is really no reason for it. If we HAD to induce me for a true medical reason I would be okay with it but I have delivered a 9lb baby before and I'm sure I can do it again (or even bigger)! So, it was an interesting dry run but we ended up coming home with her still comfy inside and happy as can be. Okay kid! I'm listening, do as you please! Drew took me out to a nice lunch at New York Deli which, as always, cheered me up and it was great to see Meyer this afternoon. I was so emotional saying goodbye to him the night before, I really can't believe he won't be my baby anymore! He is so grown up and smart and handsome and funny - hard to believe two and a half years ago we were at this start-point wtih him!

It was a real dissapointment though. For some reason I felt (and still feel) like I failed or something. I don't know why. Guess I just was ready to come home with her. You feel like modern medicince can do anything - and if they say "induction time" you think, okay, it's going to happen! Well, I guess modern medicine is not as all powerful as we think/belive. Instead, we will just have to wait for nature and this baby to take their course on their own sweet time!

38 weeks, 1 day

Today was my last day at H&H before I start my maternity leave. Still feels surreal to know that I very likely will not be back there for three months or more - depending if I want to go back mid-December or just wait until the new year. So hard to get to a place where I felt comfortable walking away as I have had such a huge growth period during my time there. I feel like I was a hayseed when I walked in there the first day and leaving now, well, I feel really great about my skills, my relationships with most of my co-workers and my room for future growth. In a way, I'm already looking forward to going back! I just think that 2008 has brought us so many blessings: Meyer's talking progress, a great new place to live, a new baby girl and this new job that makes me feel good about myself. Yay!!!

Anyway, back to the baby matter - we are getting close! I was so sure that this morning she was going to come all on her own. I had a couple incredibly painful contractions and then had hours of 5-6 minute apart mild contractions. I finally called the doctor who said I could go to work and see how things went or go right to the hospital. I decided to go to work (yeah, I'm a bit compulsive that way) and I don't know if it was because I was focusing on other things or what but the contractions seemed to stop after an hour or two. They started back up right after work but, as I write this, seem to have died down again.

I may be induced next week depending on how my glucose tolerance test from Thursday went (can't get my Dr. to call me back...grrr!) which would be great. I'm really big and everything is just hard to do anymore. Plus - now that I'm on maternity leave I want to meet this little one so bad. Her room is ready, her brother is ready, we are in general ready for her to come and so excited! I would really love to go into laboor on my own but it seems like when I actively try to start things up that's when the contractions stop. For instance, we went on a long walk this evening and I think I have had one contraction since...hmmmm...weird. Maybe I'l just sit around and do nothing and see ifr that helps. Hee hee.

34 wks 3 days

I am so grateful! By this time during my pregnancy with Meyer I was on bed rest and totally miserable. Instead, this past weekend we worked on the nursery, hung out and ran errands with friends, took a long trip to the zoo (including lots of walking) and celebrated my father-in-law's birthday. I was so worried about my blood pressure going so high again but looks like it is holding steady. I have an appointment this morning and hopefully everything will still be fine.

Baby girl is doing well - lots of movement and kicking. Some so big they take my breath away. I just don't remember being like this with Meyer - I think he was a lot calmer in utero - so it should be interesting to see what she is like on the outside.

Nursery is coming together. I think it is going to be really pretty and everyone is helping so much. Had a very nice baby shower put on by Nancy and Sara - got lots of cute, cute, cute girls' clothes so I feel a bit more prepared should anything happen early. Oy...so close!

In Meyer news he seems to be potty training himself. He peed in the potty last week and then went poop in the potty all by himself on Sunday. It was so funny he came up to us and said, "poop potty poop potty" so we took off his pants and diaper and he ran into the bathroom. I heard some grunting and then he said "Mommy hurts!" and a few minutes later he came running back out. We went in to look and, sure enough, there was a big poop in the potty!!!! Drew and I were very proud and gave lots of hugs and kisses - we still don't want to pressure him at all but if he wants to start using the potty of his own accord I am all for it! What a big boy!

31w 3d

I cannot believe July is over! Less than two months to go until my "official" due date and, if she comes when Meyer did about 2 weeks early, well that would mean that baby girl's arrival is about six weeks away. Ack! So much to do still - both at home and at work. Drew and I were talking about how close it is all getting and reminiscing about how we (well, mostly Drew, as I had bad baby fever!) were a bit scared to do this the second time around. I believe we even talked about how it was nice that with Meyer getting a bit older it felt like we were sort of getting our "selves" back and did we want to dive into another baby?

But then Drew said the sweetest thing...he said that he feels like now "we are missing somebody." That until the baby comes we are not a complete family yet. I think we are both just very excited to see what this new chapter brings for us and I'm pretty sure he is really excited for me not to be pregnant any more. I do feel like I'm coping with this pregnancy a lot better than with Meyer - but it is damn hot and I'm definitely starting to just feel big and awkward and gross. I'm sure I'm too demanding of Drew and I feel like I don't play with Meyer enough and I'm always tired but I have been having trouble sleeping so, yeah, I'm handling it great, don't you think?

We decided on our name yesterday! But I'm going to keep it under wraps for now just in case. Let's just say it does not involve mexican food and/or leafy greens.

Meyer is having his last speech therapy appointment with Marla on Thursday!!!! I'm taking the day off of work. Marla is going to have sort of a farewell party for him and then we are going to take Meyer to Pirate's Cove, a water park, to celebrate! Hard to believe it was just about 6 months ago that his therapy started and how concerned I was since he was basically not speaking at all! Now he is a chatter box and says things that I didn't even know he grasped. Definitely getting to the point where I have to watch what I say around him if I don't want it repeated!

My cousin, Katie, is getting married August 31st in Seattle. I'm so bummed that I won't be able to go but it is just way too close to my due date. We got the invitation yesterday and it is so pretty - black and pink - all engraved and just very well done. I'm sure it is going to be a beautiful event. We haven't been as close the past several years but we used to be very tight and I'm excited for her to start her new life!!! Wow, in a little under three years five of my six cousins (including myself) have gotten married. And the the last one is very close. Where did all us silly kids go?

My big concern right now is my upcoming 32 week appointment on Friday. This is about the time with Meyer that my BP started to go to hell and I was constantly being sent to the hospital for observation. I'm just really hoping everything stays status quo for as long as possible as I just can't be off work for so long before the baby even comes this time. We will see!